Today, my wife and kids kindly suggested a forest trip. Not just any forest. This was prime – leave dad to fend for himself – territory. Towering trees, a suspiciously loud stream, and countless ankle traps disguised as charming rocks.

For one terrifying moment, it hit me: this was clearly a survival test. Had they watched too much Bear Grylls without me? I could already see them blindfolding me and whispering – the tribe has spoken!

But I survived! Thanks to skills honed by years of watching survival shows:

• Didn’t fall into the deceptively shallow stream.
• Resisted licking tree sap.
• Found my way back to civilization.

Laubach Wasserfall turned out to be paradise. If paradise includes mosquitoes and kids asking every 90 seconds, are we there yet?

We returned with:

• Pinecones for art projects.
• Blurry photos of nothing.
• Mostly intact dignity.

Would get almost-abandoned again.